What I would have wanted
Jun. 7th, 2006 06:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tahnanLet's be clear. People are always saying things like "You have to keep going--it's what he would have wanted you to do", after someone dies. How, I've always wondered, do they know? So let's be clear. When I die, I don't want you to square your jaw and soldier bravely onward. I don't want you to keep having a good time and not let death overshadow life. What I would have wanted--will have would have wanted, or whatever--is for everyone who knew me to rend their garments, stop their lives, mourn for weeks on end.
That's probably not true, is it. I just don't deal well with death. I'm over thirty years old, and I've been to no more than three funerals--two grandmothers, as both of my grandfathers died befre I was born. And an aunt. Compare this to my ex, who I remember dreading her 17th (19th?) birthday, because she'd had a relative die every other year since she was, what, seven...
If I keep doing things normally--if I attend a graduation party, if I go to a gaming session, if I sit at the Diesel and work on my paper--it's not because anyone would have wanted it that way. It's because I don't know how else to cope. Short of Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone...
That's probably not true, is it. I just don't deal well with death. I'm over thirty years old, and I've been to no more than three funerals--two grandmothers, as both of my grandfathers died befre I was born. And an aunt. Compare this to my ex, who I remember dreading her 17th (19th?) birthday, because she'd had a relative die every other year since she was, what, seven...
If I keep doing things normally--if I attend a graduation party, if I go to a gaming session, if I sit at the Diesel and work on my paper--it's not because anyone would have wanted it that way. It's because I don't know how else to cope. Short of Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone...