Ficlet #1

At the request of jadelennox:

Character: Bozo the clown
Topic: Sexual relations
Dialogue: Not in the face! Not in the face!

Is the tape rolling? 'k, let's go then.

So, yeah, when I joined the circus, the whole point was to get away. I was kinda shy and I thought, I'll hide behind the makeup, no one'll ever both me again.

And I was fine, only...you wouldn't believe what goes on behind the scenes! Clowns, we don't get nothing, and that's good with me, but the ringmaster musta been doing every one of those trapeze artists. Women and men. I'd be sitting in my trailer, wiping off all the layers of white with cold cream, and from the next trailer over, man, let me tell you. Some of them were screamers.

And groupies. Good thing no one's interested in the clowns, 'cause I never coulda handled the attention. But you take the strongman, and, jeez, women would hang out behind the tents waiting for him. He always seemed to treat 'em well, but, think of it, every night?

And then this one chick last month, who had a thing for cats, I guess. Alicia, that was her name, and she waylaid the lion tamer--heh, "waylaid", yeah. She was all over him! None of us sleeping that night, with the screaming, and even I kinda thought about her a little, 'cause she was hot. Real hot. Curves like you wouldn't believe, sweet little ass. Aw yeah. And then to top it off she tells Rico, he's the tamer, tells him on the way out that if she could come back the next night, she'd call her brother, 'cause he makes movies, and she's see if...uh...you don't have, um...um.

So, yeah, anyway, I--hey, hold on! Siddown! I didn't do nothing to her! I don't even like! Aaah! Stop hitting me! Not in the face! Not in the face!

So there. Anything else I can do for you?

Ficlet #2

At the request of Cnoocy:

Character: Lefty
Topic: Things that are bad
Line: "Isn't that meat?"

"Afore I send thee out, my knight, thou must needs comprehend that there be good in the world, and there be evil."

"Dude. Yeah. Like, north, that's good."

"Thou comprehendest not! Directions possess no inherent morality--"

"(Dude? North is good.)"

"--yet there are forces in the world, and while all may seem alluring, some mean thee woe, and some mean thee weal."

"Weal? Isn't that meat?"

"Forces of darkness gather, my knight. All is not as it seems."

"Well, dude, like, yeah. So. Like. Forces of darkness. I kill them, right?"

"If thou canst but recognize them, thou mayst rid the world of their noxious influence."

"OK. Not hard, though, huh, 'cause they're all. You know. Dark."

"It may not be so! The forces of darkness may present themselves to thee as attractive!"

"Whoa. Like, babes? I don't kill babes."

"Lefty. Thou must heed me! Touch not any symbol of the Dark Lord! Consort not with his minions, be they men of good cheer or women of pleasing countenance! Shield thine eyes from his visage, thy chest from his weapons, thy heart from his influence. Wield truth and justice as though they might leap from thy hand and strike a mortal blow into each enemy thou dost meet!"

"See, I knew 'weal' was meat."

"Oh, just go. Wear thy galoshes. And take a henchman."

File under: more fun than cleaning the house.